Today’s blog is brought to us by Odette Toilette associate Laurin Taylor, who as a perfume-lover and an American has more than a little skin in this game (sorry!).
Confused about what in tarnation is going on this election season? Me too, and not just because the American equivalent of Alan Sugar might become leader of the free world. I sat through an entire semester of American Government, and I still have to check Wikipedia every four years, lest one of my colleagues asks me to explain the “electoral college”. What literally no-one has polled me on though is, “What in the Sam Hell does Bernie Sanders smell like?” Which is a shame, because I’ve a few talking points on that:
ARE YOU FEELIN’ THE BERN YET?
Bernie Sanders was eighteen when the 60’s rolled in – just the right age to have experienced them to the full. Student sit-ins, civil rights protests…free love? In his younger days, he definitely would have favoured a drop of patchouli oil or maybe a touch of Kiehl’s Musk Oil for those special “nights in white satin”. These days, he’s too busy thinking about how to finance your college education to get down to the head shop as much as he’d like. Instead, he just throws a bottle of Jovan Musk in the basket whenever he goes down to CVS for his shaving foam and Gold Bond powder. It’s easy, it’s egalitarian and it’s been around almost as long as he has.
BREAKING! A secret source in the Sanders camp has leaked to us this never-before-seen campaign video, starring noted political correspondent Billy Dee Williams.
That’s right, ladies. A vote for Bernie is a vote for helping American men stay sexy.
I thought long and hard about this one. Hillary seems like she’d wear one of the big 1970’s or 1980’s power perfumes, but nothing seemed quite right. Opium? Too warm. Poison? Too floral. Giorgio Beverly Hills? Too trashy. Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth? Are you high?
I don’t have a real sense of who Hillary Clinton is, and therein lies the problem. She’s a power suit, an impressive CV, a whip-smart intellect and (let’s face it) great hair. But I detect nothing so intimate that I could ascribe to it something as personal as a signature scent. For her then, I choose Chanel No5. Not because it’s cold or impersonal or scary, but because it polls well.
Our next candidate is a man so loathed by his colleagues and contemporaries that his ex-college roommate, Craig Mazin is on record as saying, “I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone. I would rather pick somebody from the phone book.” He also shared Ted’s habit of strolling through the female dormitories clad only in a paisley dressing gown.“I would end up fielding the [girls’] complaints: ‘Could you please keep your roommate out of our hallway?'”
If Donald Trump is propelled by a cloud of his own flatulent bluster, Ted is more likely to be found slithering across the floor of the Senate, leaving a trail of Joop! Homme in his wake. Oily and brash, Joop! smells like a speeding Porsche 911 driven by Steven Seagal’s ponytail, crashing through the guardrails before plummeting into the valley below and exploding into flames. I had a traumatic teenage experience involving a bottle of Joop!, a false moustache and an amateur production of Cyrano de Bergerac. To this day, I will get off the bus at the next stop if I catch a whiff of it on a fellow passenger. It sounds like Ted’s colleagues would do the same.
FANS OF DONALD TRUMP LOOK AWAY NOW. If Hillary was too hard, this was too easy. Donald Trump is a vulgar, toxic demagogue with an ego the size of a mushroom cloud and the moral compass of Chuckie. If he hasn’t used the word “panty-dropper” in an interview yet, just you wait. He gets [REDACTED due to legal threats from Trump’s toupée].
SUPER SPECIAL BONUS PRESIDENT!
He’s not technically a candidate, but as he’s technically the only person on this list who can legally be called “Mr. President”, I’m invoking my executive privilege and ending with Bill Clinton. The 90’s were an awesome time to be a teenager. We had The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, side ponytails with scrunchies, Alanis Morrisette and Clueless, all presided over by this man. Bill could only smell of YSL’s Kouros. Spiky and sweet, clean and very, very dirty, Kouros is bottled essence of a thumping great hairy chest, sprawled across satin bedsheets. And just look. Look at those sultry bedroom eyes. Now, swear to me under oath – could you resist this Commander-in-Chief?